CABINET FILES: A merry Xmas to you all, Cdes

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Dear Cabinet and Politburo members

COMRADES, yet another year is over … how fast! When one is busy, the way we were this year as we made sure that our ZimAsset economic blueprint becomes the obvious success that it is going to be, one cannot notice that time is flying away.
I am happy the year is ending on a very high note … we managed to solve most — if not all — of the challenges that were threatening our people… challenges like the shortage of cash which had been caused by our detractors in the West. We managed to get the economy back on track; we managed to create more jobs for our people; we managed to deliver on most of the things that we promised our people; and, as an icing on the cake, because God and the gods are impressed with our good work as the leadership of this country, the heavens are being generous with the rains, so a bumper harvest is a given. For all these reasons, our people are happy, very, very happy.
Being the natural hard worker that I am, I was pleasantly surprised by the request from the Women’s and Youth Leagues of the party that they want me to be Life President. Being the people’s servant that I was born to be, who am I to decline when my own people demand that I serve them? I just have to wait and see what becomes of these plans.
With the job done so far this year, I don’t think anyone can begrudge me if I go on a well-deserved annual vacation to any destination of my choice. I have earned it. As a brand new grand-pa in the hereabouts, I need all the time and space that I can get in the whole world. Let those evil detractors of mine start and spread their traditional rumour about me being dead or being on the deathbed… I don’t care.
On my own behalf and on behalf of my family, let me take this opportunity to wish you my Comrades and my people a merry Christmas and a happy New Year. You should enjoy yourselves because you have everything you ever need.

Kindest Regards
Yours Sincerely

Chief Justice Godfrey Chidyausiku

Chief Justice Godfrey Chidyausiku


Whoever said what goes around comes around could have been right after all. It looks like the process of choosing the next Chief Justice is giving the outgoing Chief Justice Godfrey Chidyausiku a bit of a challenge. All of a sudden, two juniors who all along appeared to be worshipful minions suddenly become lions in their own right. Judge President George Chiweshe and Justice Charles Hungwe, two chaps whose records on and off the bench leave a lot to be desired, have suddenly become the doyens of the law, interpreting the law in the most quixotic and hilarious ways.
We should not forget that before his current job, Chidyausiku also excoriated a judgment by his then embattled boss, Justice Antony Gubbay. It may have been that he was measuring up to the expectations of his political masters. Now it looks like the script is being played against him.
The two judges have suddenly arisen from their Rip van Winkle slumber to direct the country’s jurisprudence. That they have nothing to lose is never in doubt. If anything, they have everything to gain: Any one of them could end up being the next Chief Justice of Zimbabwe and they can re-define the law for all of us. Chidyausiku himself should never cry foul, having been a beneficiary of this way of doing things.
Be wise
Last year around this time, one of Dr CZ’s minor fans wired him US$10 000 as a Christmas gift, and in November this year, he surprised all and sundry by winning the race to White House. That chap is Donald Trump, now proudly America’s president elect.
Another fan also sent Dr CZ a multi-million dollar diamond ring as a gift on his birthday, and he has just been confirmed as one of the only six people who will never die.
And another one sent Dr CZ a shopping voucher worth US$5 000 and believe it, she has just been offered a hand in marriage by none other than Mikhail Prokhorov, a Russian billionaire.
Dr CZ is just highlighting this so that his fans will not accuse him of being unfair as not to avail such vital information that can help them make informed decisions about their lives. So loving and caring for his fans as he has always been, Dr CZ is doing exactly that. His background from ZANU-PF taught him that God and the gods also easily forget those who forget people who matter.
As a super patriot, Dr CZ was really saddened by reports coming from the ZANU-PF annual conference held in Masvingo, which ended at the weekend, suggesting that members of the youth league want President Mugabe to be the party’s and country’s life president. Surely, how could people beg for something that they already have? Do they want it put in diagrams and graphs for them to understand that their dreams and wishes were long granted by God and the gods? This is the dangerous sort of ignorance that this country can no longer afford!
We have known Cde Tafadzwa Musarara to be a very generous brother, an extravagantly generous brother in every aspect of the word. That is not a subject for debate.
It therefore did not come as a surprise at all that Cde Musarara, through his Grain Millers Association of Zimbabwe, decided to bless the ZANU-PF conference held in Masvingo with 30 tonnes of maize meal. This is a revolutionary gesture that should be roundly lauded, although some of Dr CZ’s colleagues in the media may want to link it to Cde Musarara’s recent visits to their newsrooms where he sought to promote his contention for the top post at the perennially loss-making Grain Marketing Board, which over the years has become a by-word for corruption. Any suggestion of what these people could be suggesting is malicious of the highest order! Let these people not say they were not warned!


Tafadzwa Musarara

Last word
As we get ready to enter into the New Year, the year of our Good Lord, Two Thousand and Seventeen, Dr CZ knows that many of his fans would dearly love to enter it with a new spirit and a new soul. To help them do this, I submit below an excerpt from Lutanga Shaba’s little book called The Way of The Light:
You must forgive yourself for all that you have done to demean the glorious person that you are. You do not need to cover up to anyone because you know what you have done. It is not about impressing anyone. Face up to yourself. Alone.
Have you lived your life like the vessel of the Divine, or have you alienated yourself from joy? Remember, this is not about judgment. It is about recognising that which is blocking your good from coming to you.
Start with the small things and as you feel the guilt lift through the grace of God, move on to the heavier things; the petty theft when you took someone’s nice pen, buying that fancy cell phone that was obviously stolen, backstabbing a colleague at work, sleeping with your friend’s partner, lying and covering up for a mistake that you made, stealing, in whatever form, giving and or accepting bribes, cheating on an exam or competition, being abusive and hurting another through hitting or words that wound, killing directly or indirectly, inciting violence, being hateful, thinking bad thoughts about someone who has what you wish you had, knowingly selling defective goods, cheating on your partner, be it your boy or girlfriend, husband or wife; contributing to the destruction of someone’s marriage, sabotaging a competitor’s business, letting an innocent person suffer when you know the culprit, destroying other people’s property, forcing sex on an unwilling partner, sexually abusing a child or workmate, gossiping and slandering others, being spiteful in actions that harm others, usually based on fear, envy or jealousy …the list is long.


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