Dear Cabinet and Politburo members
COMRADES, I have never felt as insulted in my whole long, fruitful and satisfying life as I felt this week when some skunks in the West arm-twisted the leadership of the World Health Organisation into illegally rescinding my appointment as the body’s global goodwill ambassador for non-communicable diseases.
I have to be honest with you, my Cdes, I was really miffed by this mischief, and for a moment, I wanted to leave the UN and therefore all its agencies in a huff, but being the statesman that I am known to be, I then realised that I could not foolishly score a cheap own goal by playing into the trap that the enemy had set for me.
I have been exposed to untold ridicule in the past, but not to this level. Surely, how could some people — including Zimbabweans that I almost single-handedly liberated for that matter — rejoice at this mischief by claiming that outside my own party, I am a brand associated with hunger, racism, corruption, repression, plunder and misrule-writ-large? You, Cdes, who are very close to me know the truth…that if it were not for me, by now there would be no country to talk of, yet the very same people that one has dedicated his entire life to serving thank him by barbing insults. Anyway, I take solace in that the same was said about Jesus Christ, the son of God himself, when he had been sent by his Father to save the world, so I am not at all surprised that so much bad is said about me. If anything, this is confirmation that I am doing things right and this naturally upsets the West who for centuries have tried to promote the stereotypical hogwash that blacks — Africans in particular — are inferior human beings.
My first reaction to this insult was naturally that of righteous anger—feeling treated badly for no apparent reason and I wanted my country to have nothing at all to do with the UN and any of its agencies ever again! Those who grew up with me know this is what I used to do when I was young… separating my grandfather’s cattle from the communal herd when I could not agree with other boys. This is very true. You remember what I did when the “Commonwealth” tried to overplay its hand? But in this case, after sleeping over it, I then realised that if I were to react to this insult in my trademark way by angrily pulling out of the UN, that would be a foolish move… our sages say makudo haaramwirwe munda… meaning it’s folly for an angry farmer to abandon a maize field to baboons. That would not be any wiser than a grasshopper that kicks off its hind legs to spite pesky ants. I would have played into the hands of the West that is already desperate to see my back. To them it would be good riddance! I cannot afford to give those sanctimonious prigs a free reign in this world. Never, ever! That would be a great disservice to the developing world, for which I have become the only dependable voice of resistance, so I resolved to behave in a way expected of the mature statesman that I am… not dignifying the insult by simply ignoring it out of existence. That way, I don’t play into the hands of my detractors to the disadvantage of the silent majority in this world that depends on my leadership.
If the unvarnished truth is to be said, I don’t need any one to appoint me goodwill ambassador at all, for I am naturally one.
My leadership qualities have endeared me to the oppressed majority the world over and every September, when I address the UN General Assembly, the whole world grinds to a halt. So powerful and relevant are my speeches that imperialist television stations such as BBC and CNN have been ordered by their handlers to black me out, only showing me in bad light when they can.
In fact, I realised that if I were to leave the UN, the global body would become poorer without a leader of my ilk.
The UN reforms that I am championing are best pushed from within, not without, that global platform. If I were to leave, it is not the West that loses, but the ordinary people who are supposed to immensely benefit from my rare leadership skills.
As a devout Christian, all I can do is just forgive my detractors. If anything, I need to pray for them so that maybe one day they may see the light.