MAI CHISAMBA, thank you so much for your column, I follow it weekly. I am a happily married woman; I come from a family of four.
My eldest brother is the first born and I am number three but the eldest girl. My brother has a childhood friend that I dated for a long time but I did not marry him for reasons I do not want to disclose.
I married someone else and my hubby knows about my ex. My ex is also married and has a family of his own. The problem is that tinongosangana muma family functions. My husband says he now feels very uncomfortable about the whole thing ukuwo the wife of my ex anobva apfeka huso hunotyisa.
To tell the truth there is nothing between me and this guy. I spoke to my brother about this and he reminded me that they were friends long before.
I used to be very close to my brother but I now try as much as possible to keep my distance. When my husband complained I told him that if I loved my ex that much I would have married him.
He is now being affected as if he didn’t know chirudziiko nhai? In Shona they say matakadye kare haanyaradze mwana but in my case it’s not true. My ex’s wife is such a jealous person I can’t even bring myself to speak to her.
Mai Chisamba, please help, how do I solve such a jigsaw puzzle. My brother is not co-operating so I am just confused, tinosvikepi zvakadai?
Response
Thank you for reading my column and thanks for writing in. Let’s try the jigsaw together and see if we will win.
Let’s start with the friendship between your ex and your brother. In my opinion their bond is pure and genuine because when people befriend each other during their childhood it’s not about status or resources – it’s about true love.
This kind of friendship is not easy to break. This is the type inonzi usahwira hunokunda hukama; there will always be a strong bond between such people.
These two guys were friends long before you dated. Ipapa I think your ex ndiye anga atoita dzawira mutswanda hadzichanetsa kunhongera.
Although, you are siblings you should understand that you are individuals, he is his own person. It’s not easy for you to tell your brother who he should befriend in order to save your husband’s discomfort.
I am sorry about this and I know how it feels but we just have to be fair and realistic. The best your brother can do is not to come to your house in your ex’s company.
In the meantime I suggest you sit down with your husband and talk seriously about what marriage is all about. Truly it’s about 100 percent trust. Don’t drag your past into your current life, it does not work out.
The past is dead and buried move on, he should never feel threatened, the ball is in his court and he calls the shots.
When you meet in these social circles, embrace your ex’s wife, just be normal and let her see that hapana chingaitika between the two of you. I think your spouses are being selfish and childish, they need to just grow up.
Vakawanda vamunoona ava vakasangana nekudiwa nekudanana but when one gets married it’s a new serious chapter that should be adhered to for life. Marriage would be meaningless if every spouse suspected that one would go back to his/her ex.
Church proving
to be an obstacle
Mai Chisamba, thank you so much for this platform. For some of us the church is proving to be a big obstacle in life. I once read from your column something along the same lines. I am a victim of similar circumstances.
I belong to one of these funny churches that force you to marry someone from the same church. I think it’s a primitive and cruel way of forcing someone to do things against one’s wish. I am fighting with my parents to let me marry the girl I love but from a different church.
We are both Christians, so what’s the big deal?
A few guys who complied with this ancient regulation are not happy at all. I told my parents that if they do not want me to embarrass them then I can opt out.
I am 27 years old and I feel like getting married now. I have been secretly dating a girl from another church for the past three years so ma elders ava kundichovhera chovhera zvisikana zveku church zvandisingade because they think I am anti-girls.
I opened up to one of them now they think kuti ndine demon and my parents are so upset. I wish you could see vacho vanonzi vasikana vekuchurch, most of them they look as old as their mothers mvura chaiyo vanoitya havageze Mai Chisamba.
The last thing I will do is to be forced to choose a girl from that church handidi. I just don’t understand why parents cannot accept this – It’s simple and straight forward.
Tibatsireiwo please, these are some of the worst tendencies of oppression, this is not brotherly kunyange vachiita refer to one another as sister or brother.
How do I make a breakthrough here, my parents will not shift from zvekuchurch? How do I marry this girl without their consent and blessing? What do I do if they don’t accept my girl? Please help.
Response
Thank you for writing in. In my opinion the church should be a gateway for all good things not an obstacle as you say.
It also should stand for basic human rights. Choosing a wife or a husband is best left to the beholder because he or she is the only person who knows what he/she is looking for. I agree I have addressed several issues about the church on this platform. It’s a very sensitive issue to talk about.
Some of our people unfortunately now worship the church and its doctrines instead of God Almighty. It’s really much ado about nothing.
I want to congratulate your parents for having you in their church vamwe vezera rako vakatorasika zvachose. Instead of your parents capitalising on this it seems they want to do the opposite.
The most positive thing to do is to see if similarities outweigh the differences. A big plus is that you are both Christians, you belong to the same religion.
Another positive is you have found true love in each other and you are in the same country and so forth. I personally respect all churches, doctrines, religions etc but if these interfere with human rights then we have a problem and it’s a cause for concern.
As a people we respect our parents and families and it’s a good thing to have their blessing when you marry. Don’t get me wrong I am not saying you should be pushed to spending the rest of your life with someone you have no feelings for.
At 27 you are a major, the law of the land allows you to marry whoever you want. Secondly there is freedom of worship in Zimbabwe so it’s up to you to choose a religion and a church of your choice.
You are right church haifanire kudzvinyirira vanhu. In your case I suggest you rope in a professional counselor and straighten this issue once and for all. Avoid the church elders who are saying une dhimoni.
Ko vasikana vekuchurch havadi kugeza nei? I suggest instead of just shoko chete ngavadzidziswewo zve grooming. Do not worry, speaking to the counselor will help your parents accept your girl. If push comes to shove then use the law but I would be happy if you agree in whatever amicably.
Love and protect your girl – zvichanaka chete. Please keep me posted. I wish you all the best.
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He lacks priorities
Mai Chisamba, thank you so much for your column. Mine is a very common problem but it bothers me so much.
My husband is a very generous man but its more yekuda kuonekwa than to help. Both his family and the extended look up to him for whatever be it money or any other resources.
I don’t mind but what hurts me most is he forgets about me and his children in the process. Each time I try to bring this up we end up fighting because he says ndiko kusada hama ikoko.
Three weeks ago we went to his rural home there was a graduation party, he started zvake zvehu Father Christmas giving vanhu mari pese pese.
I told him not to bank on me because I had used all the money I had on fuel. Chembere dzese dzaingoti nhasi hatifambe neshoka, murumbi wedu aripo.
I even said to him why not take people from the same direction once so that we can save on fuel. He said this is a party and people leave when they feel like you can’t ask everyone to go because of that.
The following day when we were about to come back he realised our fuel would not take us back to Harare.
Mai Chisamba, we had to borrow money from the headmaster of the nearby school all because anoita zvinhu nemanyemwe, kuda kuonekwa.
This is one incident I have told you about, he does not learn from his mistakes at all. We have been inconvenienced several times because of his behaviour.
Last year we had to take a loan to pay fees for one of our sons after he had given the money to his brother who wanted to top up in order to buy a car. I am tired of this please help ndoita sei. I just can’t take this anymore.
Response
Thank you for reading my column and for writing in. Sorry for the inconveniences you have gone through.
I know it hurts but usarase mbereko nekufirwa zvinogadzirika. I think the problem with your husband is lack of budget and lack of priority.
How can one use school fees money to help a brother buy a car? There is a timeframe whereby one should pay school fees asi pamotikari munoita nekuwana nekugona kwenyu. Your husband should learn to say “not now”, or “wait” or “I don’t have”.
As a married couple it’s much easier if you had a joint budget. This is good because you help each other to control your finances.
It’s good to spoil vanambuya nana sekuru once in a while but still you budget and put that money aside. It doesn’t make sense kuti nhasi ndiwe shasha mangwana you borrow from the headmaster.
I am not saying he should forget about his people, all I’m saying is charity begins at home, he must not disadvantage his wife and kids for no good reasons.
My advice is, rope in a professional counsellor who will help you on running your budgets or even communicating without losing your tempers, he will put your marriage in tune. Keep me posted. I wish you all the best.-Sundaymail
Write to maichisamba@fbnet.co.zw or Whatsapp 0771415747
